Ever feel like your emotional state is being blown in every which way depending on where the wind blows. Or more accurately, who blows the wind. Am I making sense?
Want to feel loved?
“Well, do you have a doting boyfriend that surprises you with fettuccine alfredo and red wine so you can feel loved?"
Want to feel like a mom that is appreciated?
“Well, what did your kids do for you on Mother’s Day? Did they do all the things like breakfast in bed and flowers so now you can feel appreciated?"
Want to feel accomplished?
“Well, did you make 120K in your business this year or not? Cause that will determine it."
The problem with this is, well everything.
I tend to believe that the only one responsible for meeting my needs in any relationship I have is ME. Not my parent’s job. Not my best friend’s job. Not my husband’s job.
I know this sounds stressful to hear- so much responsibility, but it’s also kind of the most liberating piece of advice you could get.
This is also true when it comes to your relationship with your business. Ya see, every entrepreneur who is tending effortlessly to their business is in one of the most epic, as well as important, relationships of their lives, and just like any relationship you are in, it is not your business's job to make you feel accomplished and worthy.
Last year I booked my very first international retreat in Costa Rica. Soon after booking it I had to postpone because war broke out in my country. (A war we are still fighting. #exhausted) You guys remember that retreat? I was over the moon excited and in seconds devastated. I loved the adventure and challenge of creating and executing something I never did before, and I loved the idea of taking my clients out on some epic adventure where they could grow 10x quicker while in a sacred little bubble for 7 days but...If I'm going to be honest, I also couldn't wait to share it with the world because of the comments I knew I would (and did) did get such as:
”Wow! You really are living your best life!” and other variations of that.
If I’m gonna be honest again, I booked that retreat at the time of my career where I felt like I needed things to move quicker and to feel accomplished sooner, so I went ahead and booked it.
Let's remember this example above as I share the "How to stop depending on others to take care of you 4 step process":
Step #1. Be clear what kind of pain you’re experiencing and point out your dirty pain
What does this mean?
Clean pain is the pain that is appropriate, that we want to have. It moves through us as we allow it and relax into it. We are able to process it and it helps us sort of live into our humanity. That make sense?
Dirty pain on the other hand is pain that keeps us stuck. It’s a more immature kind of pain and where we often act more childlike or adolescent because of how we are feeling. It keeps us stuck and spinning instead of moving through us like clean pain.
An example of this is: You had an amazing consult with a potentially new client last week. Everything was going smoothly and she even said she wanted to book with you and she would be in touch in a few days. 7 days later and she won’t respond to any of your texts or calls and it seems that she has completely ghosted you.
Clean pain: I feel sad. She would have been an amazing client and I’m sad that she isn’t giving herself this opportunity to grow and sad that I won’t get to work with her and have her as one of my clients.
Dirty pain: I feel so much shame for being rejected. I thought she loved me and wanted to book with me. What is wrong with me?? What did I say during the consult that made her run away? My business will probably never be successful if this keeps happening.
See the difference?
So your job: Just notice what is your dirty pain in this situation.
Step #2: Be curious and open when getting to know the dirty pain.
When you start noticing that you’re feeling frustrated or resentful or angry and this “dirty” pain feels unnecessary and stupid, don’t judge it for being there. Don’t tell yourself that you shouldn’t feel this way and grow up. Welcome it and be curious about it.
“Hey there, resentment. What are you here to teach me today? What do I need to know?”
Be loving to yourself and loving to your dirty pain. You have to listen to this part of yourself. So many of us reject that part of ourselves. I like to think that part of myself is this little girl and I talk to her and calmly support her.
Step #3: Hold space for the right solution at the right time
This is the point when we are just open and curious to whatever is going to come our way. We want to hold space for the way those needs are going to be met. We aren’t sure how we are no longer going to feel resentful or angry but we know that we will stop feeling these feelings and to be open that the solution might come differently than we thought. You don’t have to know the answer or solution because if you knew the HOW already you would’ve figured it out. You would have already met that particular need. So stay open. “I don’t know how but there is a way- that I know.”
Step #4: Offering your full perfect self to the world
I really do think this is the finishing step on meeting and fulfilling our own needs. I personally believe we are wired to give and contribute and that action itself can help us move the dirty pain through us giving us the ability to move onwards.
Let me go back to the initial example of my retreat in Costa Rica and take you through the steps using this example so as to demonstrate what this can look like in real time.
Short recap is that there was a huge part of me that booked this retreat to make me feel accomplished and successful because I wasn’t feeling that on my own and wanted a big win under my belt in order to feel that way. When I had to cancel due to war I was left feeling completely devastated mostly because I was back to feeling like a failure.
So what did I do?
Took time to separate what was my clean and dirty pain in this situation and became aware that I was feeling unaccomplished and was hoping that booking a big retreat would make me feel worthy again. (Step #1)
Made sure that I didn’t judge myself for this and instead loved myself so hard in this moment. Loving myself for wanting to feel accomplished and then loving myself so hard for feeling it when I booked the retreat and then loving myself when I lost it and didn’t feel accomplishment again. I didn’t judge myself in the least. I understood where I was coming from. (Step #2)
When I canceled the retreat on October 10th they told me that either they could hold my deposit for me and I could rebook later on or cancel the whole booking and when I’m ready come back to book. In that moment I felt the urge to have them keep the deposit- like it was the last linger of feeling like I accomplished something big but because of that feeling I decided to let go completely and just be open to whatever way this was going to play out. Did I think I was going to ever run an international retreat in Costa Rica? Yes, I knew I would and now my job was to hold space for it to happen and not make it my business to know how it would happen. (Step #3)
Lastly, After 11 months of letting go and really letting it run its natural course, I’m now feeling ready to rebook and plan a new retreat because I know now it’s coming from a place of “Cause running a retreat would be really fun!” and no longer feel like I need to prove how successful and accomplished I am. This feels like a true contribution to my people. (And on that note: Stay tuned for retreat details coming soon.) (Step #4)
And let me unashamedly share, I was 100% that girl that relied on that boyfriend to plan the perfect birthday in order to feel loved (ps. I always ended up feeling annoyed and disappointed cause he never did it right!) and earlier on in my career would go to sleep crushed if a potential client on a consult said no. Like all my worth was hanging on by a string with a yes or a no and it was in some stranger's hands to decide. Yeah, not the best plan. And yeah, I untrained my brain to believe that something outside of me has the hold on fulfilling my needs for me.
I can help you take back control and feel powerful in a way you might never have. There is a different way- you deserve to feel like you can give yourself everything that you need and not wait around for your business or best friend to do it for you.
When you fulfill your own needs, what comes along for the ride is clarity, confidence and a whole lot of JOY..and once you have these, you have so much more energy to actually give. Give to yourself, your business and everyone else around you.
If you want coaching, accountability and a good plan that will bring you to the promised land, click here to book a consult call with me. A good first step of taking care of your own needs I would say, right?
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